Adventures With The Primitive Baptists


The 2017 Florida Fellowship Meeting was one of the best meetings I have ever attended. If you were there then you will agree with me, but most who were there missed the funniest thing that has ever happened in human history. Let me tell you about it.

On Friday afternoon, I was sitting with a group of brethren that included Mike Montgomery, Chris Crouse, Phillip Conley, Steve Kinnard, and Ronald Lawrence. We were telling funny stories of the past when we got to the most famous of all, namely, “Sonny Pyles and the Exploding Pulpit.” That was when Brother Sonny was making a big point in a sermon and slapped the pulpit so hard that it rolled onto the floor and burst into a million pieces. It’s a great story and as we were laughing, one of the brethren asked what kind of pulpit would have wheels and roll as it did. I gave an answer and I thought it was the right answer but my brain betrayed me. I had two words floating around in my head and these two words were “lectern” and “rostrum” but these same two words had gotten married in my mind and became a third word—and that third word was “rectum.”

And that’s just what I said: “It was a rectum! You know…a rectum!” Sigh! Swine English language!
All was silent. Chris looked at me and said, “What did you say?” and I went to the well again, “He was preaching behind a rectum!” Only then did it dawn on me what I had said and I hastily tried to make it right. “No, I mean a rostrum…it was a rostrum! Come on! Y’all know what I meant!”
But it too late, and like Sonny’s exploding pulpit, the table went to pieces. Chris laughed that beaver laugh of his. Mike laughed that horsey laugh of his. Poor Steve didn’t know what to do. Phillip said nothing but looked at me with a face that said, “You idiot.” Ronald was three shades of red and looked like he was about to have a seizure. He started to shake and got into such a fit of hilarity that he had to lean his head on Mike’s shoulder. He got out his handkerchief, wiped his eyes, and just kept on laughing.
Kind Readers, I had to make a decision: Either be a good sport or run away and never be seen again. The irony was not lost one me. You see, I’m the guy that wrote a book called “Adventures with the Primitive Baptists” which poked fun at people and presented myself as this bemused narrator. Now the joke’s on me. Now it’s time to face the very music I had made others face for so many years. So, I took the high road, joined the party and brought it to even higher (or lower) levels.
And thus, I became one of my own “Adventures.” What had gone around finally came around. I knew what happens on 15510 County Road 39 in Lithia, Florida does not stay on 15510 County Road 39 in Lithia, Florida. So I submitted to one of my foundational philosophies: If the joke’s on you then always leave them laughing. They’re going to laugh anyway…what are friends for?

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Pastor: Bethany Primitive Baptist Church
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